Monday, May 3, 2010

Female Action Heroes

As females, we always tend to notice when a woman is kickin' arse in a movie. There have been a few movies over the years that have completely inspired us. Although female action heroes are totally sterotypical these days with many faults to accompany their strengths, we still wanna BE them. Here's our list of the best of the best femmes fatales (in our opinion) and the pros and cons that would accompany being them.

Exhibit A: Modern Charlie's Angels

I chose the modern version of this trio of sexy ladies because I'm just too young to really know the older version, or be inspired by them.

These three have it all - beauty, brains, and brawn. No matter the shenanigans, they look their best and can come together to defeat anyone. They also get to use awesome gadgets, and they know how to drive any vehicle imaginable. Love them.

The downfall? Their lives revolve around the orders of a faceless man. When it comes down to it, a man calls the shots.

Exhibit B: Barbarella

This chick is just badass. Not only does she live in a time where war/violence/anger doesn't exist, but her body is rockin' and she rides around in a fuzzy spaceship. She is respected by the futuristic President for her goodwill ambassador status (wait, is that what she was? I'm not sure) and given rough and tough assignments. She also changes outfits every 10 minutes, which really speaks to the girly girl in us. But don't get us wrong, we like her for her toughness as well.

The downfall? Being an object. Barbarella is notoriously guilty for being skimpy, and succumbing to every man that comes her way. If you've seen the film, you know she gets busy with every male she meets, and even short-circuits a pleasure machine intended to kill her. Tsk tsk tsk, Barbie. We're not fans of sexual exploitation.

Exhibit C, D, E: The Milla Jovovich category.

Yes, this babe has her own damn category. Because we want to be everyone she plays on film.

In the Resident Evil films, Milla is whoopin' bums and taking names. She is proficient in the use of many weapons, and even hand to hand combat. She's one tough biatch that you wouldn't wanna mess with. She's got survival skills in the most dangerous circumstances, and she overcomes the craziness she always seems to encounter.

The downfall? Zombies galore. Need I say more?

Milla as Leeloo

Supreme Being. Yep, I'd enjoy that. For some reason, when we saw this movie for the first time, we even idolized her orange hair and 'bandage' outfit. You know the one. She eventually upgrades to this little number seen below, complete with spandex and crotch-dwelling suspenders. Awesome.

Not only is she sweet and sensitive, but she's tough as nails, and you really wouldn't wanna eff with her. She's also quick to learn new languages. Smart cookie!

The downfall? Having to introduce yourself as Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Seba, and having to save mankind every five thousand years from a giant asshole planet.

And finally, Milla as Violet in Ultraviolet (2006). Another futuristic sci-fi role for Jovovich, and another character we'd love to be. Although in the world of this film, she's a baddie, the audience is still routing for her. She plays a "hemophage" with superhero abilities, fighting for the cure for the disease. See that? A philanthropist as well as a deadly assassin.

The downfall? Being infected with a disease that eventually kills you, being regarded by the general public as a vampire, the government trying to exterminate you.

Exhibit F: Jolie as Lara Croft

The perks of being Lara Croft? Knowledge of weaponry, hand to hand combat, motorcycles, and archeology! Smart and sexy... nice combo. Also she's rich, but that didn't sway our decision to include her in this list. Swear to God.

The downfall? The competition always trying to kill you, a terrible British accent, and being objectified in unnecessary shower scenes.

Exhibit G: Princess Neytiri

Ok, so she's blue and all... but we don't care. She's a beautiful alien, and that's all there is to it. She's got a whackload of elements about her that we're totally jealz of.

- Hunting skills
- Flying atop winged reptiles
- Sweet hammock-bed in the jungle
- Good body
- part of Royal family
- She gets a piece of Jake Sully

The downfall? Humans trying to make your people extinct, jungle bugs and scary-ass dinosaur lookin' creatures ready to eat you at every turn. Loin-cloth rash.

Exhibit H: Charlize as Aeon Flux

Ok, so this is another actress we idolize, and would want to be almost any character she has portrayed (except in Monster... *shudder*).

As Aeon Flux, Charlize whoops butt as part of a futuristic underground movement bent on exposing the truth about her society. And we're all about exposing the truth (conspiracy theorists at heart, what can we say?)

She also gets to play with lots of sci-fi gadgets, wear sexy mamasita outfits, telepathically transport for secret meetings, and do gymnastics all around town to avoid the baddies.

The downfall? Being pursued by the government jerks all the time, having weird friends with hands for feet, and SPOILER -  being assigned to kill your soulmate. Talk about feeling conflicted...

Exhibit I: Uma as The Bride

Now you might be questioning our mental stability now that we've chosen this killing machine as someone we'd wanna be. And my explanation is this - I don't have an explanation. This assassin is just cooler than cool, and we followed her murderous adventures, cheering for her every step of the way. Cuz revenge is sweeeeet.

The Bride is at the top of her game, the world's best assassin, proficient in kung-fu, Asian languages, motorcycles, guns, and freakin' samurai swords.

She also gets her ass beatin hardcore a few times, but always comes back kickin'. Gotta respect that. Plus she looks great in this yellow outfit.

The downfall? Losing your baby, killing everyone who crosses you, being buried alive, and having your life's mission revolve around a man.

This list could go on and on, but we just had to stop somewhere. Have we missed any amazing female action heroes that left an impression on you?


KeLLy aNN said...

ahahhaaa! not only did I faithfully watch the Charlie's Angels series, and have the infamous Farrah poster, I still have all three original Charlie's Angels dolls, WITH Accessories.
plus I was a skate boarder. "}

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