What to Expect When Your Hollywood Expectations Are Low... the answer? This Movie.

Hollywood Producer Guy: "Geez, we're really running on fumes here since we tapped out the comic book market! We've even done board game movies in our desperation. What's next for us?"

Guy #2: "I got it, boss! This book has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for 791 years and nobody's made a movie yet!"

Hollywood Producer Guy: "But it's an informational book. There's no story."

Guy: "Your point?..."

Hollywood Producer Guy:"Get the authors on the phone! I have movie rights to buy!"

______________________________________

At least that's how I imagine it went down when this dipshit idea came into being.

When I saw the poster with J-Lo on it I thought it was a cleverly photoshopped joke. A quick google search told me it was sadly a reality. Fo' realio, Jennyfromtheblock? You already did the horrible panned pregnancy flick. A flick that my movie-lovin' sis and I walked out of. Yeah, that's right. We just couldn't make it to the end, a sentiment I'm sure was shared by many cinema patrons.

The latest movies Hollywood is pumping out are shameful, based on anything they can buy the rights to, and What to Expect When You're Expecting (to be released in May) will most likely be another lame-ass multi-storyline POS that boyfriends everywhere will roll their eyes about and be dragged to go see, and girls with small brains will shriek to their friends "Oh my gaawwddd we have to go see that! GIRLS NIGHT!"

Sorry, I don't mean to come across all hostile and shit, but it's true. Check out this jaw-dropping synopsis:

A look at the lives of five couples as they prepare to become parents.[IMDB]

Whoa whoa whoa there, not so much information! You can bet every stereotype will be represented here, from the fertility-treated couple, possibly a lesbian couple, the older couple, the young inexperienced couple, the accidental solo-pregnancy, the "loves being pregnant" Stepford wife, the angry "losing my career" business woman, etc., etc., etc.

Other celebrities who stooped low enough to be a part of this are Anna Kendrick, Cameron Diaz, Elizabeth Banks, Dennis Quaid, Chris Rock, Brooklyn Decker, Megan Mullaly, Chace Crawford, and Mr. Schuester Matthew Morrison.

How do you feel about every single thing that exists in pop culture being made into a film?

More posters featuring other knocked up female celebs after the jump..

The Hobbit in Halves

Several more exclusive promotional images from the upcoming Hobbit films have been released to the general public, depicting the movie’s all-star cast costumed up as the 13 dwarves (yes, 13, not 7) who drag unwilling hobbit Bilbo Baggins all the way to the Lonely Mountain.

The British contingent is particularly impressive, with Irish actor James Nesbitt taking on the role of Bofur, Being Human’s Aidan Turner cast as Kili and Robin Hood star Richard Armitage playing Thorin Oakenshield. The latter is the dwarf prince who leads the party on their quest to reclaim his home from the dragon, Smaug, who will be played via motion capture by Sherlock’s Benedict Cumberbatch. Quite an impressive line-up, wouldn’t you say?

Of course, there are also several even bigger names reprising their roles having featured in Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sir Ian McKellan is back as Gandalf (many cast members claimed they would have boycotted the film had he declined the role), whilst Andy Serkis, Hugo Weaving and Elijah Wood return as Gollum, Elrond and Frodo respectively.

Filling the shoes of Bilbo himself (although actually hobbits don’t wear shoes) is Martin Freeman, who director Peter Jackson feels is perfect for the role. On announcing his casting decision, Jackson said, “He is intelligent, funny, surprising and brave, exactly like Bilbo, and I feel incredibly proud to be able to announce that he is our Hobbit.”

It seems old news now that, in the transition from book to film, the Hobbit has been split into two, but some are still struggling to come to terms with the idea. If The Lord of the Rings succeeded with only one film each, why should Tolkien’s shorter prequel story get two films dedicated to it? However, on speculation, The Hobbit actually lends itself quite effectively to a two film format. Like the final installments of the Harry Potter franchise, it seems likely that the first Hobbit film will be somewhat of a journey movie whilst the second will be more action-packed and feature the story’s conclusive epic battle.

The Hobbit films, An Unexpected Journey and There and Back Again, will be released in cinemas in December 2012 and 2013 respectively. All three of the Lord of the Rings films, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers and The Return of the King are available for rental or purchase on Blu-Ray or DVD from LOVEFiLM.

The Vow: A Movie Surprisingly Not Based on a Nicholas Sparks Novel

Wanna cry? Do ya? Do ya? Well stock up on the Kleenex Cin-Obs, cause somethin' tells me this upcoming dromance (yes, I put them together) is gonna make us weepy and snotty.

The Vow is an upcoming romantic drama film directed by Michael Sucsy, starring Rachel McAdams, Channing Tatum, Jeffrey Donovan, Lucas Grabeel, Sam Neill, Scott Speedman and Jessica Lange.

The film is based on a true story about a young woman who loses all recent memory in a car accident and struggles to rebuild her identity. It's based on the book of the same title, which is the story of Kim and Krickitt Carpenter. It is Bernd Eichinger's final film right before his death. Wikipedia

When I first read about The Vow, I immediately assumed it was one of Sparks' sappy creations. But then I realized that if he had written a book with this plot, Rachel's character would have died in the accident, then her husband might die and then the story would be about their families picking up the pieces... then dying.

Harry Potter Comes To An End!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is already in full promotional swing. The trailer is out!

In case you didn't read the books and don't know what to expect:

The final chapter begins as Harry, Ron, and Hermione continue their quest of finding and destroying the Dark Lord's three remaining Horcruxes, the magical items responsible for his immortality. But as the mystical Deathly Hallows are uncovered, and Voldemort finds out about their mission, the biggest battle begins and life as they know it will never be the same again. [IMDB]

Are you a hard-core HP fan? We're fans, but not crazily so, and we haven't read all the books so we can't quite compare. I just find it funny that each film was promoted as the epic of epicness that was ever epic. And honestly, they all kinda seemed the same at the end - wand duels, fantastical creatures, is Snape good or bad? We get it.

I was much more into the first few when they were young and Harry was just being introduced to the world of wizardry. Have the movies lived up to your expectations? Do you think there were too many?

Breaking Dawn Part 1 is Getting Closer!

Oh my oh my oh my... Breaking Dawn is almost here!

Although the last book, in my opinion, was rushed, ridiculous, lazy, and downright disgusting and offensive to young girls, I'm super duper anxious to see how it translates into film. Without any spoilers for those who haven't read the book, I'll just say there were a few gruesome and graphic scenes that I can't quite imagine being played out visually. The movies have been pretty light and PG, but Breaking Dawn (if true to the book) will push the teen-friendly franchise into some racy and nasty territory, including teen marriage and pregnancy, violent sex, and mutant babies. Awwwww yyeaaaahh!!

Anyways, why am I avoiding spoilers? This teaser trailer pretty much tells you everything you need to know. Actually, thinking about it, I bet they'll cut off part 1 right at the gruesome shit and save it for part 2. Yep, that's what they'll do.

Here. The IMDB write-up is a spoiler in itself:

The Quileute and the Volturi close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses different threats to the wolf pack and vampire coven.

Delightful Dialogue: Journey to the Center of the Earth

Trevor: Hey, look at all the schist.

Sean: What?

Trevor: It's a metamorphic rock. Green schist, white schist, mica-garnet schist...

Sean: Oh. Schist.

~ Brendan Fraser and Josh Hutcherson in Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

Jim Carrey is Mr. Popper!

I don't know if this classic book (orig published in 1938) was a part of your childhood or not, but it certainly was for us!

The life of a businessman begins to change after he inherits six penguins, and as he transforms his apartment into a winter wonderland, his professional side starts to unravel. [IMDB]

We talked about this flick long ago, but now it's fully happening, with posters and trailers and promos, oh my! We also know for sure now that this will be a modern version of the book, and not the depressing depression-era of the original story.

Yes, the premise is ridiculous, but this is gonna be good ol' family fun, just like the book was.

Watch the trailer, if not only for the amazingly cute dance sequence.

Dan Radcliffe in The Woman in Black

(poster leaves a little to be desired, n'est pas?)

After a seriously hard-core Twihard came onto our site, missed our sense of humour entirely, searched the names of every Twilight cast member and left angry defensive comments on any post mentioning them, while at the same time singing the praises of Daniel Radcliffe and his oh-so-serious after-Potter career, I thought I'd take a look at his resumé to see what he's got coming after Harry Potter wraps up. (run-on sentence ftw!)

I was intrigued by the title The Woman in Black, and a small pic of Raddy in a cool outfit.

"The story follows a young lawyer, Arthur Kipps (Radcliffe), who is ordered to travel to a remote village and sort out a recently deceased client’s papers. As he works alone in the client’s isolated house, Kipps begins to uncover tragic secrets, his unease growing when he glimpses a mysterious woman dressed only in black. Receiving only silence from the locals, Kipps is forced to uncover the true identity of the Woman in Black on his own, leading to a desperate race against time when he discovers her true identity." [Wikipedia]

Oooooh! Ghost story? Check. Haunted house? Check. Period film? Check. Post-pubescent Dan-Rad looking mighty cute? Check. I'm in like Flint, baby. We have a while to wait though, since it's only being released in 2012, but I'm totally ready for a movie to scare the hell outta me. Haven't been genuinely scared by a movie since The Ring. Ok The Grudge too. Ok so both Paranormal Activity movies made me weep like a lil girl. Whatever. I like scary movies, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Apparently this movie was already made in the 80s, and it was based on a book, so it loses points for originality, but the teaser claims it's the most chilling ghost story of our time. Why haven't I heard of it before? All the better, that way I'll be surprised.

Do you think Dan will have a good career post-Potter?

Tasty Tagline: City of Ember

Lights out.

Memorable Monologue: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

"Today we acknowledge a really terrible loss. Cedric Diggory was, as you all know, exceptionally hard working, infinitely fair-minded, and most importantly, a fierce, fierce friend. Therefore, I feel you have the right to know exactly how he died. You see, Cedric Diggory was murdered, by Lord Voldemort. The Ministry of Magic does not wish me to tell you this. But not to do so I feel would be an insult to his memory. Now the pain we all feel at this dreadful loss reminds me, and, reminds us, that though we may come from different countries and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one. In light of the recent events, the bonds of friendship made this year will be more important than ever. Remember that, and Cedric Diggory will not have died in vain. You remember that, and we'll celebrate a boy who was kind, and honest, and brave, and true. Right to the very end."

~ Michael Gambon as Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

Kate Hudson Makes Another Rom-Com About a Wedding

I've heard Kate Hudson say in interviews how much she loves making romantic comedies, how fun they are to do, and how much she doesn't care about critics. That's all well and good because we love WATCHING her light hearted flicks.

Buuut... there is a but... she seems to be making the same one twice. Ouch. That's a no-no. At the very least, make DIFFERENT rom-coms.

K-Hud's newest is called Something Borrowed, and goes a little somethin' like this:

Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) falls for Dex (Colin Egglesfield), her best friend Darcy's (Hudson) fiancé.

Ughhh... did anyone see Bride Wars? Cute but forgettable. Come on now, Katie, we already saw you and your best friend turn on each other because of a wedding, and now you're feuding over a fiancée. Same diff. And this flick happens to have a super wedding related reference in the title.

Ok ok fine, I'll check it out. But mostly because John Krasinski is in it.. and... well... what woman hasn't fallen in love with Jim? On another note of remaking the same damn movie - Ginny Goodwin is playing another hopeless and clueless romantic in this one. HJNTIY all over again. I guess she plays that character well. She's adorable.

I guess we can count our blessings that Matthew McConaughey's not in this one. Oh and did I mention this movie's based on a book? Shocking.

Whatcha think?

Tasty Tagline: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

If he's crazy, what does that make you?

Quotable Quote: The First Wives Club

"You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!"

~ Goldie Hawn as Elise in The First Wives Club (1996)

John Carter of Mars

So I read this synopsis and went "Ummm, whaaatt??" Remind you of something?

Civil War vet John Carter is transplanted to Mars, where he discovers a lush, wildly diverse planet whose main inhabitants are 12-foot tall green barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium, who is in desperate need of a savior. [IMDB]

Granted, I'll see pretty much any sci-fi movie, and I'm sure I'll love this one, but it's kinda like someone saw Avatar and was inspired. "I think I'll put a war veteran on Mars, and there'll be GREEN aliens! It's totally original!"

Some notable cast members include Mark "I'm the villain" Strong, Willem "Not William" Dafoe, Dominic West, James Purefoy, Thomas Haden Church, and Samantha "pre-cog" Morton. Taylor "I've never heard of this guy" Kitsch will be portraying John Carter himself.

This concept is actually based on a series of sci-fi/fantasy novels, and is being brought to the screen by Pixar legend Andrew Stanton. Expect is sometime in 2012 (if the Earth survives that long).

Based on a quick Google images search of the title, I got this gem, which reminds me of Star Wars poster artwork, complete with hero reaching up to the stars, female in bikini at man's feet, etc. With a little bit of Conan thrown in for good measure.

I will say this - the green beast is not NEARLY as sexy as the humanoid Navi. Did I say sexy? I meant interesting. *Angie stashes her Avaporn under her bed.*

Delightful Dialogue: The Green Mile

John Coffey: I'm smellin' me some cornbread.

Paul Edgecomb: It's from my mises. She wanted to thank you.

John Coffey: Thank me for what?

Paul Edgecomb: Well, you know...for helpin' me.

John Coffey: Helpin' you with what?

Paul Edgecomb: You know.

John Coffey: Ohh. Was your misses pleased?

Paul Edgecomb: Several times.

~ Michael Clarke Duncan and Tom Hanks in The Green Mile (1999)

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, the first photo!

Oh my God, on the count of three, let's all crap our pants in unison! Just kidding. Sort of.

Here's the first image to be released from part 1 of Breaking Dawn. Ohhhh sexy! Spoiler - Edward and Bella DO IT. She ends up black and blue from the violent sex, but isn't that the romance we wanna be teaching our young girls? *swoon* Nothing says I love you like a controlling monster.

Quotable Quote: All The Pretty Horses

"In the end, Mr. Cole, we all get cured of our sentiments. Those whom life doesn't cure, death will."

~ Miriam Colon as Doña Alfonsa in All The Pretty Horses (2000)

On the Road: The Predictions for 2011 Begin!

A young man sets out to travel the roads and railways of America. IMDB

My first prediction of 2011: On the Road will receive HUGE critical acclaim and WILL become a must-see... mark my words (or don't in case I'm wrong).

On the Road is based on the book written by Jack Kerouac, a very successful author and poet from years ago. Jack wanted to see this particular novel of his make the silver screen. Back in the day, Kerouac was shopping the rights around to different studios. He envisioned Marlon Brando in one of the lead roles, and even wrote him a personal letter asking him to be a part of the project. Brando never acknowledged the letter from 'ol Jack (pish) and the rights were never sold...

Until Mr. Francis Ford Coppola bought the rights in 1979. Several attempts were made to translate the novel into a screenplay, but Coppola never felt it was quite right. Coppola and his son Roman eventually wrote a screenplay adaptation, but struggled, citing issues with making a period film as the biggest road block.

It was also interesting to read about who Coppola initially wanted to play the leads. Some of the twosomes noted were Brad Pitt with Ethan Hawke and Billy Crudup with Colin Farrell. The eventual outcome are two (rather) unknowns. Garrett Hedlund (of TRON: Legacy(2010) fame) stars as Dean Moriarty and Sam Riley as Sal Paradise. Me likey. Pitt can munch a log in his 5000 bedroom house with Ms. Jolie and their 16 children. I've seen enough of his ass.

The cast sounds pretty sweet too, with the exception of this biatch ------ Kristen Stewart... but here are the rest of the names --- Kirsten Dunst, Viggo Mortensen, Amy Adams, Steve Buscemi and Sam Riley (who seems to be an up-and-coming youngin' to look out for!)

I'll be sure to update when promo stuff is released!

The Lincoln Lawyer... Matty's Back!

Angie loves her some Matthew McConaughey. So, I'm sure she's caccing her pants with glee right now as she reads about this upcoming.

After a slew of Rom-Coms, Matt (yes, we're on a first name basis) is back with what looks like a fantastic drama! Before I go on and on about why I think this movie will be amazeballs, here's the synops from Wikipedia:

Mickey Haller (Matthew McConaughey) is a slick young attorney doing business from the back of his Lincoln Towncar, when he realizes that his new client (Ryan Phillippe), the son of a major businessman, may in fact be guilty.

Based on a novel, the movie will feature Matty as a serious man who's practicing law from his car. Awesome. Don't get me wrong, I happen to love him in every Rom-Com he's ever done. I appreciate the lighter side of this actor, but we all know how amazing he is in a dramatic role (i.e. A Time to Kill, The Newton Boys, U571, etc.).

Needless to say, we're looking forward to this drama. We're sure Matt will pull off a killer performance and win back some of his fans who jumped ship after Failure to Launch...

Memorable Monologue: The Princess Bride

"Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and he told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts', he said. 'My name is Ryan; I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia."

~ Cary Elwes as Wesley in The Princess Bride (1987)