Dark Shadows... Burton's Back!

We all know how hot monsters are nowadays. Vampires, werewolves, witches, warlocks, and so on and so on. This upcoming gothic flick caught my attention for a couple reasons:

1. Tim Burton. That is all.
2. I heart monsters... especially monsters with 6-packs.

We know Tim employs an array of peeps for nearly all his films, so it's no surprise that Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter will both star. Also appearing is Jackie Earle Haley and Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh happy day!

Good cast, we're down with the Burtster. All haters can take a moment now to bend over, gently put your head between your legs and munch your own assholes. Ok, that was hateful, but seriously, go munch a log.

Dark Shadows is a gothic soap opera that originally aired weekdays on the ABC television network, from June 27, 1966 to April 2, 1971. The show was created by Dan Curtis, who tells of a dream he had in which a girl takes a long train ride to visit a large mansion. The story 'bible', which was written by Art Wallace, does not mention any supernatural elements. It was unprecedented in daytime television when ghosts were introduced about six months after it began.

The series became hugely popular when, a year into its run, vampire Barnabas Collins (played by Jonathan Frid) appeared. Dark Shadows also featured werewolves, ghosts, zombies, man-made monsters, witches, warlocks, time travel (both into the past and into the future), and a parallel universe. A small company of actors each played many roles; as actors came and went, some characters were played by more than one actor. Wikipedia

Here's a taste of the original show - it's amazeballs, you'll see!

Who's excited?!

Season of the Witch is Really Happening Now

It's on, it's off, it's on, it's off. Season of the Witch has had a bumpy ride getting to the cinemas. The completed film was shelved for a while, and rumours swirled about whether or not the public would ever see it. Like ever. But it's back, and it has a release date - January 7, 2011.

Cin-Ob Jonathan will be pissed, since he's a Cage-hater,  but we're Perlman lovers (Ron that is) so we can't wait to see this bewitching (I'm so clever) period film in which the two leads are smuggling an accused witch. Anyways, honestly it might suck, but it looks like we'll probably enjoy it from this here trailer.

Scintillating Scene: Hocus Pocus

In honour of our new Cin-Ob Supreme Jonathan (and of course in the spirit of Halloween, our favalicious holiday) we give you the one and only Bette Middler in Hocus Pocus (1993).

She gives a brilliant rendition of I Put A Spell On You, backed by her sister-witches, played by Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy. These are by far my fave witches ever put on film... probably because they're musical in nature. And nothing wins my heart like a good ol' sing-along!

Tantalizing Trivia: The Blair Witch Project

The actors in the film were only given a short outline of filming, and their lines were all improvised. A hidden crew created all the scary moments, that the actors were not prepared for, and their reactions were therefore genuine. The director shook their tent in the middle of the night on a whim, and the crew walked around their campsite breaking sticks to scare them.

The Witches: A Classic Review

There are some movies that enter our lives as children, and stick with us. You could watch them again as a teenager, young adult, senior citizen, and they will always enduce the same reaction. They make you feel all weird inside, make you want to giggle, flail your arms, scream, crawl out of your body with excitement... it's always the same.

I don't care who you are. It's ALWAYS the same.

I'm sure Obama drops a load in his presidential pants when he sees a flick from his childhood. Nelson Mandela freaks out when a gem re-enters his life. Fidel Castro, Gorbachev, Madonna, Michael Jordan, Flava Flav... They've all been there.

The year was 1990. I was 7 and Angie was 5. We already understood the concept of book-to-movie since our obsession began at a very early age. That's beside the point... Flashback to 1990:

Angie: Chanty! Mommy and Daddy say we can go see The Witches at the show!!! Do you think it will be a satisfying adaptation?

Chantale: You're so well-spoken for a 5 year old! Yeaaah! Let's go!

Angie: Can we get donutas and popcoin?

Chantale: Of course we can. But I get more cause I'm older. Na na na poo poo!

I digress.

Roald Dahl's classic and oh so popular novel was about to come to life before our very eyes! And with Jim Henson Productions behind it, success was guaranteed! (Yet another side note - this was Jim Henson's last project before the legend passed away in May 1990)...

So off we went. We left reality for exactly 92 minutes. We travelled to both Norway and the United Kingdom where we cacced our pants in fear from scary little girls in paintings:

And freaked out as Anjelica Huston peeled off her face to reveal this horrific mess:

From Fab to -------------> SCABBED!

Aiiight. Plot - here we go. Little Luke moves to England with his grandmother Helga following the tragic death of both his parents. Nana Helga has educated Luke on the very real existance of witches. She's taught him about their square toes, itchy, bald scalps under their wigs, and of course, their very intense sense of smell.

After Nana collapses, the doctor prescribes a 'holiday by the seaside'. Because, afterall, everyone knows that a holiday by the seaside is a great remedy for diabetes. Duh. Anyhoo. Off they go on their vacay! During their stay at the Luxurious Seaside Hotel... that's what we dubbed it... Luke decides to go exploring! Luke wanders into an empty conference room, when suddenly, a group of women barge in to begin a very secretive meeting. Who are these women you ask? They're a 'children's charity' led by Evangeline Ernst (Huston) AKA The Grand High Witch - Wow, what a title!

Luke watches as the doors are locked and the meeting commences. The wigs come off, the toeless biatches are revealed! Oh me oh my! But alas, Luke is a child, and since children smell like dog shite to witches (niiiiice), he is discovered!

Luke is turned into a mouse and is now on the run from the witches! Shenanigans, shenanigans, shenanigans!

If you haven't seen it, obviously, you need to. If you have, I'm sure it gives you that same creeped out but oh-so-glorious feeling of nostalgia!

P.S. Anyone else remember her ridiculously long fingies?

P.P.S. Guillermo del Toro plans to remake this classic in stop-motion animation. Hmmm... Could be epic! We're in!

Teen Witch Remake!

Remember that 1989 cult classic Teen Witch?

Well, like all classic films that we grew up with, they're remaking it! This version will be a musical (of which we're always fans) and it will star High School Musical alum Ashley Tisdale! Although she's a total cheeseball, she might be perfect for this singin' and dancin' family film.

Wait wait... I bet I can guess the plot! "I'm not very popular... oh wait I have magical powers... I'm getting better at it, the cute boy starts noticing me, I put a spell on him so he likes me, I realize the error of my ways and start to just BE MYSELF!"

It doesn't take magical powers to predict that one. Haha see what I did there? So clever.

The young girls will flock to see this one, I'm sure, but as we've said before, we were always into the darker, badass teen witches who could actually eff you up. I refer you to THIS POST.

Tantalizing Trivia: The Craft

You all remember The Craft (1996). If not, we're casting a spell on you. You will only be able to say:

Light as a feather, stiff as a board... Light as a feather, stiff as a board... FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

We were 12 and 10 when this witchy flick came out. As impressionable young ladies, we immediately began seances, started collecting candles, incense, started our own coven that included... well... us. But we rocked some serious chants and even bedazzled our own pentacles.

There's a scene towards the end of the movie where we see Sarah (main witch) return to her home only to find that its full of nasty, creepy crawly mofos. There were over 3000 snakes used for this scene including pythons, boas, water snakes, garter snakes, rat snakes, albino snakes and a 10 foot Amazon constrictor. IMDB

*Shudder*

We leave you with pics from back in the day. A short-lived phase, but worthy of sharing.

Ahhhh... Memories.

Quotable Quote: Hocus Pocus

"You know, I've always wanted a child. And now I think I'll have one... on toast!"

~ Bette Midler as Winifred 'Winnie' Sanderson in Hocus Pocus (1993)

The Sorcerer's Apprentice Trailer!

So many reasons to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice!

1) Jerry Bruckheimer = crazy action and special effects fun
2) Jay Baruchel... love him to bitty bits
3) MAAAAGGGGIIICCC!

If that didn't convince you to see this movie, then I don't know what will. This trailer has totally caught my attention, so full of magical creatures, things blowing up and Nic "overproducing" Cage giving his intense face. (That synopsis was just for you, Masked Critic).

I must admit, I kept getting The Sorcerer's Apprentice confused with The Vampire's Assistant (based on title alone). Not to mention the upcoming films The Warlock's Protegé, The Elf's Handmaiden, and the Dragon Slayer's Butler.

Delightful Dialogue: The Craft

Bus Driver: Watch out for the weirdos, girls.

Nancy: We are the weirdos, mister.

~ Tony Genaro and Fairuza Balk in The Craft (1996)

Season of the Witch - Trailer!

Ooooh the trailer is here and Season of the Witch looks even better than I'd hoped when I told you about it! Remember? Yeah, you remember. Good for you.

Witches... they're the new vampires. Get ready for a crapload of witch movies coming your way. It's about time the ladies got some supernatural cinematic attention. Oooh I like the way that sounded. TRADEMARK!

Dazzling Dance: Practical Magic

Thanks to KAREN for bringing this Dazzling Dance to our attention! And yes Karen, we totally agree... this movie made us want to be witches... OH this movie, and The Craft (1996). Scared? Mua ha ha!!! Pass me a candle and my black eyeliner... cuz I'm hardcore like that.

Put the lime in the coconut, and drink 'em all up!

Delightful Dialogue: The Witches

Helga: Real witches are very cruel, and they have a highly developed sense of smell. A real witch could smell you across the street on a pitch-black night.

Luke: She couldn't smell me. I've just had a shower.

Helga: Oh yes, she could. The cleaner you are, the more a witch can smell you.

Luke: That doesn't make sense.

Helga: Oh, yes it does. A dirty child, it is the dirt she smells. A clean child, it is the child.

Luke: Wow. I'll never have a shower again, and I'll have you for an excuse.

~ Mai Zetterling and Jasen Fisher in The Witches (1990)

*This girl in the painting made us go caca in our 7 year old pants... Did she have this effect on anyone else?*

Tempting Trailer: Witches

Those square-toed biatches scared the shiz outta us as kids. Thanks to this movie we NEVER took candy from strangers.

Season Of The Witch

Nicolas "my characters like to follow clues" Cage and Ron "Hellboy" Perlman are starring in an upcoming thriller called Season of the Witch.

We think Nick might be into witchcraft or something, because he has another film coming out called The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Geeeez, Cage... meddling with the dark arts, are we? Next thing we know he'll be starring in the last Harry Potter movie.

Anyhoos... we really like the premise of this one. Guess why? It's not a sequel, based on a book, tv show, nor is it a remake! HOORAY!

The title is, in fact, a ripoff of a FEW books and older horror movies. But whatever, we'll take what we can get at this point.

Anyways, two 14th century knights must transport a woman who is accused of being a witch and spreading the plague. The proposed release date is March 19, 2010.

We can only assume she's probably innocent, the knights will start helping her escape and go on the run with her, and Cage will probably fall in love with her. See? When you're a true Cin-Ob, it doesn't matter if there's an original story... because you'll probably figure it out and ruin it for yourself.

Claire Foy, a relatively unknown English/Irish actress will be playing the alleged witch.

Since vampires became hot again, it seems studios are trying to cash in on some other classic supernatural villains. We have The Wolfman, with Benicio Del Toro, Cirque Du Freak (more vamps), Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (with everyone's favourite thespian, Keanu) and now witches are making a comeback.

It's just a matter of time before someone does a new Frankenstein movie. Starring... well actually Ron Perlman might be perfect. Just watch. We'll probably post about it soon.

See also: Upcoming: The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Memorable Monologue: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

"There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making. However, for those select few... who possess, the predisposition... I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death."

~ Alan Rickman as Professor Severus Snape in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Memorable Monologue: Hocus Pocus

I put a spell on you
And now you're mine.
You can't stop the things I do.
I ain't lyyyyyin'.

It's been 300 years
Right down to the day,
Now the witch is back
And there's hell to pay.

I put a spell on you
And now you're miiiiiine!

[Hello, Salem! My name's Winifred, what's yours?]
I put a spell on you
And now you're gone. (Gone, gone, gone, so long!)
My whammy fell on you
And it was strong. (So strong, so strong, so strong!)

Your wretched little lives
Have all been cursed,
'Cause of all the witches working
I'm the worst!

I put a spell on you
And now you're mine!

(Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!)

If you don't believe,
You'd better get superstitious.

Ask my sisters!
"Ooh, she's vicious!"
I put a spell on you....
I put a spell on you.
Sisters!

Ah say ento pi alpha mabi upendi
(Ah say ento pi alpha mabi upendi)
In comma coriyama
(In comma coriyama)
Ay (ay) aye (aye) say bye-byyyyyyyyyyye!
Bye bye!

~ Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy as the Sanderson Sisters in Hocus Pocus (1993)

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Disney is a little slow at jumping on board the wizard bandwagon, but they're trying!

The Sorcerer's Apprenctice will star Jay Baruchel as an average college student who goes to work for a Sorcerer... played by Nicolas Cage! Maybe that's why Cage has a horrible grey goatee in all the paparazzi photos lately.


The movie is based on parts of the Disney film Fantasia (1940), but will obviously be a little more modern.

Actually, SO modern that it will have Cage and Baruchel fighting evil in modern Manhattan. We're suckers for magic, and you know this movie will have a GREAT training montage. Can't wait! It comes out July 16, 2010.

Check out some video someone took from the sidelines of the set! Looks colourful!